According to their Hermeneutics of Fecal Occurrence
by Author Identity Requested
This has circulated over the net in many versions. Here's ours, with contributions from Scooper, Andy Busch, MM, RF, and others.
| TAOISM | S__t happens. | ||||||
| CONFUCIANISM | Confucius say: "S__t happens." | ||||||
| BUDDHISM | S__t doesn't really happen. It is only called s__t happening. | ||||||
| Zen | What is the sound of one s__t happening? | ||||||
| SIKHISM | Cut that s__t out, or we'll cut it out of you! | ||||||
| HINDUISM | This s__t has happened before. | ||||||
| PLATONISM | This s__t will happen again. | ||||||
| JAINISM | When it happens, s__t gently. Don't hurt the s__t. | ||||||
| SHINTO | If s__t happens, put a flower in it. Make a pretty offering. | ||||||
| HARE KRISHNA | ...s__t happens, s__t happens, s__t happens... | ||||||
| MOONIES | Only happy s__t really happens. | ||||||
| WICCA | S__t happens if you will it to happen. | ||||||
| ISLAM | S__t happens because Allah wills it. | ||||||
| SUFISM | Even though s__t happens, Allah wants you to dance. | ||||||
| PROTESTANTISM | Let s__t happen to someone else. | ||||||
| JUDAISM | Why does this s__t always happen to us? | ||||||
| CATHOLICISM | You deserve this s__t. | ||||||
| Vatican II | If s__t happens, blame the clergy. | ||||||
| PRESBYTERIANISM | S__t should happen decently and in good order. | ||||||
| CALVINISM | S__t is predestined to happen because you don't work hard enough. | ||||||
| 7TH DAY ADVENTISM | No s__t on Saturdays. | ||||||
| TORONTO BLESSING | Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha, s__t happens, ha-ha-ha-ha.... | ||||||
| ANGLICANISM | Scripture contains all things necessary to deal with s__t happening. | ||||||
| ANTIDISESTABLISHMENTARIANISM | We still favor happenings of state-supported s__t. | ||||||
| FUNDAMENTALISM | Unless you're one of us, you're s__t. | ||||||
| Baptist | S__t won't happen for you until you're totally immersed in it. | ||||||
| Pentecostal | S__t happens! Hallelujah! Praise the Lord! | ||||||
| METAPHYSICS | In terms of materialistic ontogeny, we're all s__t. | ||||||
| NEW AGE | When s__t happens, channel it. Visualise s__t happening. | ||||||
| Feminism | S__t happening is an act of the Goddess. | ||||||
| Feminist Separatism | When s__t happens, blame men. | ||||||
| Men's Movement | Drums & fire make s__t happen hot & loud. | ||||||
| RASTAFARIANISM | Let';s smoke this s__t! | ||||||
| Bud Lightism | S__t happens... I love you, man! | ||||||
| EXISTENTIALISM | S__t is, therefore it happens. | ||||||
| JEHOVAH'S WITNESSES | If you just let me in, I'll tell you why s__t happens. | ||||||
| MORMONISM | If s__t happens, make sure you have a 2-year food supply. | ||||||
| RAJNEESH | For $1000, s__t can happen for you, too. | ||||||
| HEDONISM | There's nothing like a good s__t happening! | ||||||
| STOICISM | This s__t is good for me. | ||||||
| ZOROASTRIANISM | Bad s__t happens half the time. The rest of the time, it's good. | ||||||
| Parsi | Don't burn that s__t — fire is sacred! | ||||||
| CHRISTIAN SCIENCE | This s__t is all in your mind. | ||||||
| BAHA'I | S__t happens to everyone alike. | ||||||
| UNITARIANISM | If there is a s__t, let it happen to each in his/her own way. | ||||||
| AGNOSTICISM | Maybe s__t happens, and maybe it doesn't. | ||||||
| Apathy | Who gives a s__t? | ||||||
| ATHEISM | No s__t! | ||||||
| POLITICS AS RELIGION | |||||||
| Republicans | When s__t happens, stare like a deer in the headlights. Or invade a country that had nothing to do with it. Or both. | ||||||
| Democrats | When s__t happens, deny it. Or else weasel your way out of it with double talk, as in, "It depends on what the meaning of 's__t' is." | ||||||
| NRA | S__t will happen when you pry it from my cold, dead fingers. | ||||||
| NRA-Ted Nugent Style | Before you grill s__t, you gotta kill s__t! |
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