07 November 2011

A Taxonomy of World Religions

According to their Hermeneutics of Fecal Occurrence
by Author Identity Requested

This has circulated over the net in many versions. Here's ours, with contributions from Scooper, Andy Busch, MM, RF, and others.

TAOISM S__t happens.
CONFUCIANISM Confucius say: "S__t happens."
BUDDHISM S__t doesn't really happen. It is only called s__t happening.
What is the sound of one s__t happening?
SIKHISM Cut that s__t out, or we'll cut it out of you!
HINDUISM This s__t has happened before.
PLATONISM This s__t will happen again.
JAINISM When it happens, s__t gently. Don't hurt the s__t.
SHINTO If s__t happens, put a flower in it. Make a pretty offering.
HARE KRISHNA ...s__t happens, s__t happens, s__t happens...
MOONIES Only happy s__t really happens.
WICCA S__t happens if you will it to happen.
ISLAM S__t happens because Allah wills it.
SUFISM Even though s__t happens, Allah wants you to dance.
PROTESTANTISM Let s__t happen to someone else.
JUDAISM Why does this s__t always happen to us?
CATHOLICISM You deserve this s__t.
Vatican II
If s__t happens, blame the clergy.
PRESBYTERIANISM S__t should happen decently and in good order.
CALVINISM S__t is predestined to happen because you don't work hard enough.
7TH DAY ADVENTISM No s__t on Saturdays.
TORONTO BLESSING Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha, s__t happens, ha-ha-ha-ha....
ANGLICANISM Scripture contains all things necessary to deal with s__t happening.
ANTIDISESTABLISHMENTARIANISM We still favor happenings of state-supported s__t.
FUNDAMENTALISM Unless you're one of us, you're s__t.
S__t won't happen for you until you're totally immersed in it.
S__t happens! Hallelujah! Praise the Lord!
METAPHYSICS In terms of materialistic ontogeny, we're all s__t.
NEW AGE When s__t happens, channel it. Visualise s__t happening.
S__t happening is an act of the Goddess.
Feminist Separatism
When s__t happens, blame men.
Men's Movement
Drums & fire make s__t happen hot & loud.
RASTAFARIANISM Let';s smoke this s__t!
Bud Lightism
S__t happens... I love you, man!
EXISTENTIALISM S__t is, therefore it happens.
JEHOVAH'S WITNESSES If you just let me in, I'll tell you why s__t happens.
MORMONISM If s__t happens, make sure you have a 2-year food supply.
RAJNEESH For $1000, s__t can happen for you, too.
HEDONISM There's nothing like a good s__t happening!
STOICISM This s__t is good for me.
ZOROASTRIANISM Bad s__t happens half the time. The rest of the time, it's good.
Don't burn that s__t — fire is sacred!
CHRISTIAN SCIENCE This s__t is all in your mind.
BAHA'I S__t happens to everyone alike.
UNITARIANISM If there is a s__t, let it happen to each in his/her own way.
AGNOSTICISM Maybe s__t happens, and maybe it doesn't.
Who gives a s__t?
ATHEISM No s__t!

Republicans When s__t happens, stare like a deer in the headlights. Or invade a country that had nothing to do with it. Or both.
Democrats When s__t happens, deny it. Or else weasel your way out of it with double talk, as in, "It depends on what the meaning of 's__t' is."
NRA S__t will happen when you pry it from my cold, dead fingers.
NRA-Ted Nugent Style Before you grill s__t, you gotta kill s__t!      

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