07 November 2016

God's Total Quality Management Questionnaire

by Author Identity Requested

God would like to thank you for your belief and patronage. In order to better serve your needs, He asks that you take a few moments to answer the following questions.

Please keep in mind that your responses will be kept completely confidential, and that you need not disclose your name or address unless you prefer a direct response to comments or suggestions.

1. How did you find out about God?
__ Newspaper
__ Television
__ Word of mouth
__ Tabloid
__ Bible
__ Torah
__ Koran
__ Other Book
__ Divine Inspiration
__ Near Death Experience
__ Burning Shrubbery
__ Other (specify): ______________________
2. Which model God did you acquire?
__ YHWH
__ Jehovah
__ Allah
__ God
__ G_d
__ Father, Son & Holy Ghost (3 for 1 deal!)
__ Jesus
__ Ahura Mazda/Ahriman (opposed pair)
__ Brahman
__ None of the above, I was taken in by a false god
3. Did your God come to you undamaged, with all parts in good working order and with no obvious breakage or missing attributes?
__ Yes __ No
If no, please describe the problems you initially encountered here:___________________________
4. What factors were relevent in your decision to acquire a god? (Please check all that apply.)
__ Indoctrinated by parents
__ Indoctrinated by society
__ Imaginary friend grew up
__ Wanted to meet girls/boys
__ Wanted to piss off parents
__ Desperate need for certainty
__ Need to feel Morally Superior
__ Needed a reason to live
__ Needed focus in who to despise
__ Hate to think for myself
__ Fear of death
__ Needed a day away from work
__ Like Organ Music
__ My shrubbery caught fire and told me to do it
5. Have you ever worshipped a God before? If so, which false god were you fooled by? Please check all that apply.
__ Odin
__ Zeus
__ Apollo
__ Ra
__ The Great Spirit
__ Satan
__ The Sun
__ The Moon
__ The Bomb
__ Cthulhu
__ The Almighty Dollar
__ The Invisible Hand
__ Barney T.B.P.D.
__ The Great Pumpkin
__ Bill and/or Hillary Clinton
__ Donald Trump
__ A burning cabbage
__ Other: _____________________
6. Are you currently using any other source of inspiration in addition to God? Please check all that apply.
__ Tarot
__ Astrology
__ Fortune cookies
__ Psychic Friends Network
__ Palmistry
__ Self-help books
__ Biorythms
__ Tea Leaves
__ Mantras
__ Crystals
__ Pyramids
__ Insurance policies
__ Barney T.B.P.D.
__ Barney Fife
__ Lottery
__ Television
__ Ann Landers
__ Dianetics
__ Playboy and/or Playgirl
__ Sex, Drugs and Rock 'n' Roll
__ George W. Bush
__ EST
__ Jimmy Swaggart
__ Human Sacrifice
__ Wandering around a desert
__ Burning Shrubbery
__ Other: _____________________
__ None
7. God employs a limited degree of Divine Intervention to preserve the balanced level of felt presence and blind faith. Which would you prefer (circle one)?
a. More Divine Intervention
b. Less Divine Intervention
c. Current level of Divine Intervention is just right
d. Don't know .... What's Divine Intervention?
8. God also attempts to maintain a balanced level of disasters and miracles. Please rate on a scale of 1 - 5 his handling of the following (1=unsatisfactory, 5=excellent):
a. Disasters
Global Warming 1 2 3 4 5
Flood 1 2 3 4 5
Famine 1 2 3 4 5
Earthquake 1 2 3 4 5
War 1 2 3 4 5
Pestilence 1 2 3 4 5
Plague 1 2 3 4 5
SPAM 1 2 3 4 5
AOL 1 2 3 4 5
Microsoft 1 2 3 4 5
Terrorism 1 2 3 4 5
b. Miracles
Rescues 1 2 3 4 5
Spontaneous remissions 1 2 3 4 5
Stars hovering over towns 1 2 3 4 5
Crying statues 1 2 3 4 5
Water changing to wine 1 2 3 4 5
Walking on water
(other than the Hudson) 1 2 3 4 5
Talking flaming shrubbery 1 2 3 4 5
VCRs that set their own clocks 1 2 3 4 5
Saddam Hussein still alive 1 2 3 4 5
Cubs winning the Series 1 2 3 4 5
Term limits on the Presidency 1 2 3 4 5

9. Do you have any additional comments or suggestions for improving the quality of God's services? (Attach an additional sheet if necessary):

Thank you!

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