25 December 2015

A Laywer's Christmas Card

In Politically Correct Legalese

by Author Identity Requested

From us ("the wishors") to you ("hereinafter called the wishee"):

Please accept without obligation, explicit or implicit, our best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, politically correct, low stress, non-addictive, gender neutral, celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion or secular practice of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasions and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions.

Please also accept, under aforesaid waiver of obligation on your part, our best wishes for a financially successful, personally fulfilling and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of this calendar year of the Common Era, but with due respect for the calendars of all cultures or sects, and for the race, creed, colour, age, physical ability, religious faith, choice of computer platform or dietary preference of the wishee.

By accepting this greeting you acknowledge that:

This greeting is subject to further clarification or withdrawal at the wishor's discretion.

This greeting is freely transferable provided that no alteration shall be made to the original greeting and that the proprietary rights of the wishor are acknowledged.

This greeting implies no warranty on the part of the wishors to fulfill these wishes, nor any ability of the wishors to do so, merely a beneficent hope on the part of the wishors that they in fact occur.

This greeting may not be enforceable in certain jurisdictions and/or the restrictions herein may not be binding upon certain wishees in certain jurisdictions and is revocable at the sole discretion of the wishors.

This greeting is warranted to perform as reasonably may be expected within the usual application of good tidings, for a period of one year or until the issuance of a subsequent holiday greeting, whichever comes first.

The wishor warrants this greeting only for the limited replacement of this wish or issuance of a new wish at the sole discretion of the wishor.

Any references in this greeting to "the Lord", "Father Christmas", "Our Saviour", or any other festive figures, whether actual or fictitious, dead or alive, shall not imply any endorsement by or from them in respect of this greeting, and all proprietary rights in any referenced third party names and images are hereby acknowledged.


Dewey, Cheetham, and Howe
Attorneys at Law

 This made the email rounds back in the day. It isn't from "Car Talk." We just liked the name of their law firm. Merry Everything, everyone!

07 November 2015

Why Did the Chicken Cross the Road?

Answers to one of Life's Great Questions

by Originator Identity Requested

To seek the Good for the polity of poultry. — PS

Karl Marx:
It was a world-historical inevitability arising from the class struggle between those who labor at transportation and those who own the means of transportation. Sooner or later, some chicken or other was bound to start the revolution. — PS

Andersen Consultant:
Deregulation of the chicken's side of the road was threatening its dominant market position. The chicken was faced with significant challenges to create and develop the competencies required for the newly competitive market. Andersen Consulting, in a partnering relationship with the client, helped the chicken by rethinking its physical distribution strategy and implementation processes. Using the Poultry Integration Model (PIM), Andersen helped the chicken use its skills, methodologies, knowledge capital and experiences to align the chicken's people, processes and technology in support of its overall strategy within a Program Management framework. Andersen Consulting convened a diverse cross-spectrum of road analysts and best chickens along with Andersen consultants with deep skills in the transportation industry to engage in a two-day itinerary of meetings in order to leverage their personal knowledge capital, both tacit and explicit, and to enable them to synergize with each other in order to achieve the implicit goals of delivering and successfully architecting and implementing an enterprise-wide value framework across the continuum of poultry cross-median processes. The meeting was held in a park-like setting enabling and creating an impactful environment which was strategically based, industry-focused, and built upon a consistent, clear, and unified market message and aligned with the chicken's mission, vision, and core values. This was conducive towards the creation of a total business integration solution. Andersen Consulting helped the chicken change to become more successful.

Thomas de Torquemada:
Give me ten minutes with the chicken and I'll tell you everything you want to know.

Timothy Leary:
Because that's the only kind of trip the Establishment would let it take.

James Dean:
To lay it on the line.

Marlon Brando:
Because someone made it an offer it couldn't refuse.

Because if you gaze too long across the Road, the Road gazes also across you.

Oliver North:
Realizing that National Security was at stake, it went above the Rules of the Road.

Carl Jung:
The confluence of events in the cultural gestalt necessitated that individual chickens cross roads at this historical juncture, and therefore synchronicitously brought such occurrences into being.

Jean-Paul Sartre:
In order to act in good faith and be true to itself, the chicken found it necessary to cross the road.

Ludwig Wittgenstein:
The possibility of "crossing" was encoded into the objects "chicken" and "road," and circumstances came into being which caused the actualization of this potential occurrence.

Albert Einstein:
Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road crossed the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.

William Shakespeare:
In the great hand of God I stand, and so proclaim mine admiration. Had I beheld so bold a crossing of so great an highway, I had said fain would the chicken bestride the road like a colossus, but for that the road, trembling before its fowlness, did lurch behind the bird, producing the similitude of poultry in motion. — PS

Martin Luther:
Relying soley on Scripture, it did so soley for the Glory of God!

If you ask this question, you deny your own chicken-nature.

Salvador Dali:
The Fish.

Charles Darwin:
It was the logical next step after coming down from the trees.

Emily Dickinson:
Because it could not stop for death.

Ralph Waldo Emerson:
It didn't cross the road; it transcended it.

Johann Friedrich von Goethe:
The eternal hen-principle made it do it.

Ernest Hemingway:
To die. In the rain.

David Hume:
Out of custom and habit.

Saddam Hussein:
This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.

Jack Nicholson:
'cause it f.....g wanted to. That's the f.....g reason.

Ronald Reagan:
Because of its committment to the values that made this country great — freedom and personal responsibility. It was as if the chicken was saying, "Mr. Gorbachev, tear up this road!" — PS

John Sununu:
The Air Force was only too happy to provide the transportation, so quite understandably the chicken availed himself of the opportunity.

Due to the loveliness of the hen on the other side, more fair than all of Hellas' fine armies.

Henry David Thoreau:
To live deliberately ... and suck all the marrow out of life.

Mark Twain:
The news of its crossing has been greatly exaggerated.

Stephen Jay Gould:
It is possible that there is a sociobiological explanation for it, but we have been deluged in recent years with sociobiological stories despite the fact that we have little direct evidence about the genetics of behavior, and we do not know how to obtain it for the specific behaviors that figure most prominently in sociobiological speculation.

William Shatner:
To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.

Neil Armstrong:
That's one small step for a chicken... one giant leap for chicken-kind.

So that its subjects will view it with admiration, as a chicken which has the daring and courage to boldly cross the road, but also with fear, for whom among them has the strength to contend with such a paragon of avian virtue? In such a manner is the princely chicken's dominion maintained.

Because of an excess of phlegm in its pancreas.

William Dembski:
Note that the chicken crossed a considerable width of highway, which it could not have done in time to avoid being hit by a car if it had been wandering randomly. Obviously, the chicken had some sort of intelligent design. — PS

Johnny Rotten:
Because he was stapled to the ear of a punk rocker.

George W. Bush:
To pre-empt the danger gathering on the other side. — PS

Bill Maher:
"That's what's wrong with this country; a chicken can't cross the road without someone on the other side questioning why she crosses it!" — thanks to Andy Busch

Billy Graham:
"If you're a chicken here tonight, and you feel God calling you to cross the road, I want you to leave your side of the road and join me on the other side; counselors will be waiting for you." — thanks to Andy Busch

Larry the Cable Guy:
"Why did the chicken cross the road? Why, hell, so I could hit 'er with m'truck and bring 'er home fer supper! GIT-'ER-DONE!" — thanks to Andy Busch