God's Total Quality Management Questionnaire

by Author Identity Requested

God would like to thank you for your belief and patronage. In order to better serve your needs, He asks that you take a few moments to answer the following questions.

Please keep in mind that your responses will be kept completely confidential, and that you need not disclose your name or address unless you prefer a direct response to comments or suggestions.

1. How did you find out about God?
__ Newspaper __ Television __ Word of mouth __ Tabloid __ Bible __ Torah	__ Koran __ Other Book __ Divine Inspiration __ Near Death Experience __ Burning Shrubbery __ Other (specify): ______________________
2. Which model God did you acquire?
__ YHWH __ Jehovah __ Allah __ God __ G_d	__ Father, Son & Holy Ghost (3 for 1 deal!) __ Jesus __ Ahura Mazda/Ahriman (opposed pair) __ Brahman __ None of the above, I was taken in by a false god
3. Did your God come to you undamaged, with all parts in good working order and with no obvious breakage or missing attributes?
__ Yes	__ No
If no, please describe the problems you initially encountered here:___________________________
4. What factors were relevent in your decision to acquire a god? (Please check all that apply.)
__ Indoctrinated by parents __ Indoctrinated by society __ Imaginary friend grew up __ Wanted to meet girls/boys __ Wanted to piss off parents __ Desperate need for certainty __ Need to feel Morally Superior	__ Needed a reason to live __ Needed focus in who to despise __ Hate to think for myself __ Fear of death __ Needed a day away from work __ Like Organ Music __ My shrubbery caught fire and told me to do it
5. Have you ever worshipped a God before? If so, which false god were you fooled by? Please check all that apply.
__ Odin __ Zeus __ Apollo __ Ra __ The Great Spirit __ Satan __ The Sun __ The Moon __ The Bomb	__ Cthulhu __ The Almighty Dollar __ The Invisible Hand __ Barney T.B.P.D. __ The Great Pumpkin __ Bill and/or Hillary Clinton __ Donald Trump __ A burning cabbage __ Other: _____________________
6. Are you currently using any other source of inspiration in addition to God? Please check all that apply.
__ Tarot __ Astrology __ Fortune cookies __ Psychic Friends Network __ Palmistry __ Self-help books __ Biorythms __ Tea Leaves __ Mantras __ Crystals __ Pyramids __ Insurance policies __ Barney T.B.P.D. __ Barney Fife	__ Lottery __ Television __ Ann Landers __ Dianetics __ Playboy and/or Playgirl __ Sex, Drugs and Rock 'n' Roll __ George W. Bush __ EST __ Jimmy Swaggart __ Human Sacrifice __ Wandering around a desert __ Burning Shrubbery __ Other: _____________________ __ None
7. God employs a limited degree of Divine Intervention to preserve the balanced level of felt presence and blind faith. Which would you prefer (circle one)?
a. More Divine Intervention b. Less Divine Intervention c. Current level of Divine Intervention is just right d. Don't know .... What's Divine Intervention?
8. God also attempts to maintain a balanced level of disasters and miracles. Please rate on a scale of 1 - 5 his handling of the following (1=unsatisfactory, 5=excellent):
a. Disasters Global Warming 1 2 3 4 5 Flood 1 2 3 4 5 Famine 1 2 3 4 5 Earthquake 1 2 3 4 5 War 1 2 3 4 5 Pestilence 1 2 3 4 5 Plague 1 2 3 4 5 SPAM 1 2 3 4 5 AOL 1 2 3 4 5 Microsoft 1 2 3 4 5 Terrorism 1 2 3 4 5	b. Miracles Rescues 1 2 3 4 5 Spontaneous remissions 1 2 3 4 5 Stars hovering over towns 1 2 3 4 5 Crying statues 1 2 3 4 5 Water changing to wine 1 2 3 4 5 Walking on water (other than the Hudson) 1 2 3 4 5 Talking flaming shrubbery 1 2 3 4 5 VCRs that set their own clocks 1 2 3 4 5 Saddam Hussein still alive 1 2 3 4 5 Cubs winning the Series 1 2 3 4 5 Term limits on the Presidency 1 2 3 4 5
9. Do you have any additional comments or suggestions for improving the quality of God's services? (Attach an additional sheet if necessary):
Thank you!